Child-focused parenting is exhausting. Some parents are finally ditching it.

Children grow up less resilient and more anxious

Being dragged from playdate to playdate can sound like a parent is doing the most for their kid. But, often, these highly structured activities are just overwhelming, Doucleff said. She remembered her daughter being around screaming kids for hours at museum activities.

“At the end of it, she’s screaming because it is so overstimulating and she’s tired,” Doucleff said. “I had a child that often was worse behaved.”

“If you really want your kid to be a responsible, good, and capable human, it’s all about role modeling,” Dr. Jenny Woo, the founder and CEO of Mind Brain Emotion and creator of 52 Essential Life Skills, told BI. Ironically, child-focused parenting teaches kids that it’s normal to forego your identity and boundaries.

Instead of being prepared for adult life, “the child’s world is completely separated from the adult world,” Doucleff said. It does kids a huge disservice, as they miss out on learning important life skills. Now, she brings her daughter along on errands or takes her to the park to play with other kids, where she can be more autonomous.

Doucleff was inspired to make these changes after traveling to the Arctic, where she observed children helping their families hunt whales or prepare dinner. She said having a sense of purpose made children more emotionally mature.

“I remember flying back into America and seeing kids at the same age screaming in the airport because they didn’t want to share their potato chips,” Doucleff said. “This is unheard of in many cultures, for a child of that age to have very little emotional regulation.”

Woo, who teaches at UC Irvine, said she’s witnessed the lasting effects of child-focused parenting. Some students have a “lack of resourcefulness, not knowing where to go, how to do something, who to turn to and feeling very paralyzed,” causing them anxiety.

Tellingly, she said these same students’ parents often pay for laundry services and other assistance to make college a smoother experience for their (now adult) children.

Parents are starting to ditch parenting styles that leave them depleted

Most US parents find parenting harder than expected, according to a 2023 Pew Research poll of over 3,700 participants. Some are questioning whether their expectations around child-rearing are more to blame for their stress than the demands of parenting. Collins said that “encouragingly, more women are recognizing that this burden really shouldn’t be theirs alone, and pushing back against these cultural ideals.”

They’re ditching parenting styles that leave them depleted. “Personally, it was way more work for me to cart my child to all these things,” Doucleff said.

It’s not always smooth sailing; Doucleff said you have to adjust some chores so that kids can join you and put up with the occasional tantrum. “The parent has to be a little uncomfortable sometimes, but in the end, it becomes this really beautiful, easier parenting method,” she said. Woo suggested letting kids slowly take on more responsibility when you’re out together, such as ordering their own food.

Some parents have been making adjustments to events like birthday parties, focusing more on intimate family time rather than a 30-kid backyard bash. They take their kids camping or make crafts with them to make time together more meaningful.

The real world is richer than the bubbles kids are kept in, Doucleff said. Her daughter bonded with her and grew so much once she started joining her mom on international work trips.

It led to her daughter, now nine, starting a dog-walking business on her own this year. “To me, that’s a way more important experience than going to Disney World,” Doucleff said.