The 11 best and 11 worst songs that have been certified diamond

“Uptown Funk” is some of Mark Ronson’s finest work, second only to Amy Winehouse’s “Back to Black.”

The producer has a knack for blending funk rock, blues, and pop, as well as choosing collaborators who share his vision. Nobody could’ve sold the silly brilliance of “Uptown Funk” like Bruno Mars.

How does one describe the chaotic magic of “Bohemian Rhapsody?” The song defies language, just as its commercial success defies logic. It’s an absurd, six-minute single that invokes the devil and doesn’t have a chorus. If you’ve seen the Oscar-winning film that shares its name, you’ll know that Queen’s team didn’t even want to release it. And yet, everyone knows what you mean if you shout, “Bismillah, no! We will not let you go!”

“Bohemian Rhapsody” logged nine consecutive weeks at No. 1 on the UK chart in 1975 and continues to enchant and delight the masses, earning its diamond certification more than four decades after its release.

Ask Nicki Minaj and she’ll tell you, over and over, that she paved the way for an entire generation of female rappers. Ask any music critic and they’ll tell you it wouldn’t have been possible without “Super Bass.”

The one “for the boys with the booming system” took pop radio by storm, allowing Minaj to achieve unprecedented crossover success and creating a blueprint for future hits, from “Starships” to Doja Cat’s “Say So.”

“Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ changed the trajectory of music,” Joe Vogel wrote in 2007, when the album was added to the Library of Congress’ National Recording Registry. It’s still known as the best-selling album of all time.

Of course, the titular track played a huge role in that success. “Thriller” is the album’s centerpiece, its own mini blockbuster with a game-changing visual to match; in 2009, “Thriller” became the first music video to be inducted into the Library of Congress’ National Film Registry.

Indeed, there is no shortage of feats to verify the song’s impact. Most impressive, perhaps, is that it kicks off with a wolf howling, but has never been exiled to the corny Halloween genre. No average pop star could pull that off.

“Bad Guy” is one of the newest songs to earn a diamond award, but that’s just a testament to its immediacy.

Billie Eilish’s signature song is also one of the most bizarre, creative, and hypnotic pop hits in recent memory. Eilish’s sarcastic drawl solidified her as a tastemaker, and the Australian crosswalk-inspired hook turned Finneas O’Connell into an in-demand superproducer overnight. The duo has gone on to smash records, sweep the Grammys, and win two Oscars.

It will always haunt me that Macklemore opened a song by rapping, “Walk up to the club like, what up, I got a big cock,” and not only did we let it happen, we listened to “Thrift Shop” so many times that it went 10-times platinum. Humiliating.

In the years since its release, “Blurred Lines” has been roundly condemned by feminists, activists, and even its own producer for promoting a murky version of consent — which is to say, something that’s not consent at all.

“I know you want it” is the rallying cry for creepy men everywhere, and it’s no better coming out of Robin Thicke’s mouth.

There aren’t many diamond-certified country songs, but the exclusive group does include a few legends, including Chris Stapleton, Darius Rucker, and Lady A.

Somehow, their path was forged by Florida Georgia Line, whose smash hit “Cruise” was the first country song to receive a diamond award.

In many ways, the massive commercial success makes sense. “Cruise” is a blatant bid for country radio domination with lyrics that check all the genre’s stereotypical boxes: long tanned legs, Chevy trucks, back roads, little farm towns; you know the drill. It’s the kind of song that begs to get stuck in your head, but not in an endearing way — more so in the “textbook pandering” way that Bo Burnham mocked in his 2016 country song parody. 

Bruno Mars has the third-most diamond-certified songs of any artist in history, largely thanks to his cross-generational appeal and flair for funky hooks.

But surely, “When I Was Your Man” doesn’t belong in that collection. It’s a cloying, by-the-numbers ballad that has none of Mars’ usual swagger — and all the usual excuses made by men who can’t appreciate a woman until she’s gone. Yes, you should have bought her flowers.

XXXTentacion’s rise to prominence came alongside a horrific slew of criminal charges, which makes any of his popular songs feel icky by association.

At the time of his death, the 20-year-old rapper was awaiting trial on charges of aggravated battery of a pregnant woman, domestic battery by strangulation, false imprisonment, and witness tampering.

To add insult to injury, “Sad!” is nothing special. It sounds like an AI DJ was fed a playlist full of struggling SoundCloud rappers and Lil Uzi Vert impersonators.

As if we needed cold, hard proof that Chris Martin sold out for the cash and the clout, he decided to team up with The Chainsmokers, EDM’s resident frat bros, for one of the duo’s least creative songs to date. They didn’t even bother to create a new hook for “Something Just Like This” — it’s sampled from their 2015 hit “Roses.”

Long gone are the days of “Yellow” and “Clocks.” May Coldplay’s reputation rest in peace.