Michaelle Barbor
Our arrangement works for us, but I sometimes feel “mom FOMO”
Seeing my husband’s close bond with our children has been one of the most rewarding aspects of our arrangement. Our kids appreciate having their dad available at home, which provides them with a sense of stability and constant support.
But as a working mom, I also sometimes experience “mom FOMO” when I miss important moments in their days or see how naturally the kids turn to their dad for comfort or help.
One morning, I came downstairs to find my youngest daughter proudly showing my husband a picture she’d drawn. “Look, Daddy! I drew our family!” she exclaimed. She’d drawn herself, her sister, and my husband in great detail, but I was represented by a stick figure off to the side, hunched over what looked like a computer. It was a stark, innocent representation of how my absence had been felt. My heart sank, and it really drove home the importance of finding a better balance, even during hectic work periods.
While I can’t always control my work demands, it reminded me to make a conscious effort to be present and engaged when I am with my family, and to carve out dedicated, device-free time with them whenever possible.
My husband and I have had to navigate complex dynamics and have open conversations
My husband has been incredibly supportive of my career and business, but we’ve had to work through his initial feelings of inadequacy, despite the immense value of his role at home. He’d been working continuously since he was 16, so adjusting to staying home was initially challenging for him.
He once confided that he felt like he wasn’t “contributing enough” because his work didn’t bring in a substantial income. We both grew up with traditional expectations of the man as the primary breadwinner and the woman as the primary caregiver. Adjusting to our current setup required us to challenge these ingrained beliefs and reassure each other of the value we both bring to our family in different ways.
We’ve also faced raised eyebrows and probing questions from family members and acquaintances. A relative once asked my husband when he was “going back to work,” implying that being a stay-at-home parent wasn’t real work. At a neighborhood barbecue, someone asked my husband what he “actually does all day” since he’s “just” a stay-at-home dad.
We’ve learned to be confident in our choices and respond to such comments by highlighting the importance of my husband’s role in our family and the mutual decision we made for our family’s well-being.
Our unconventional setup has actually strengthened our relationship. We keep open communication, discussing any issues that come up and seeking professional help when needed. We work on our relationship daily, and I feel our romantic connection has deepened through this shared commitment to our family’s unique dynamics.
Our arrangement might change in the future; there’s no one “right” way
Our children have adapted well to our family’s division of labor. It’s empowering to know I’m setting an example about entrepreneurship, hard work, and determination.
Our 11-year-old, who has expressed admiration for my work ethic, often shows interest in my projects and has even been inspired to start a small business selling handmade cloth diapers. Both of our daughters understand the value of perseverance and often talk about their future career visions.
While our current arrangement works well for us now, we’re open to changing it as our family’s needs evolve. We’ve discussed the possibility of my husband re-entering the workforce part-time or pursuing his own business ventures more seriously once our children grow older and become more independent.
Our children are growing up seeing that there’s no one “right” way to structure a family and that teamwork and support are crucial in relationships.
If you have an unconventional household structure and would like to share your story, email Jane Zhang at janezhang@businessinsider.com.
https://www.businessinsider.com/working-mom-fomo-stay-at-home-dad-inadequate-family-stronger-2024-9