I was struggling to figure out what I wanted in life. Going on my first cruise helped.

As it turned out, the writing cruise went swimmingly (despite my never once going swimming while aboard). I connected with another solo writer to share the cost of a cabin, and I spent a blissful week talking about writing with smart, interesting people. Maybe, I reflected, the trick to putting a thinking person onto a cruise ship was just finding a bunch of other thinking people to take the cruise with them.

The $3,000 cost of the transatlantic cruise, plus the workshop fee, felt like money well spent. I ate a lot of great food, went swing dancing, watched some talented performers, drank a lot of wine, and generally lived it up, age 40-style.

“Okay,” I mentally apologized to my spouse, “I might be having a bit of fun.”

Back on land, I started questioning my career choices

The real difficulty, as it turned out, came when I got home.

I had thought that the writing retreat would scratch my creative itch, and I’d return home to my regular career as a government contractor and keep writing on weekends. Instead, I had a full-blown midlife crisis.

“What the hell am I doing with my life?” I thought, as I stared at yet another spreadsheet.

“Do I really want a practical career?” I questioned, as I read through a pile of reports.

The idea of a midlife crisis seemed cliché. Doesn’t everyone question their life choices when they hit 40?

I still wanted financial stability and to make use of my degree in International Development, but I couldn’t deny that spending a week focused on writing made me want to focus on writing even more.

I’m still working out how to transition from my current career to a literary one, or if I’m somehow going to combine a full-time corporate job with what I hope will become a full-time writing job. But I do know that my 40th birthday present to myself has made me refocus on what I actually want in life, and has made me more certain that writing is my future.

In the months since the cruise, I’ve made significant progress on my book draft, written a few articles, and made a list of literary agents to approach when my book is done. I’ve also segmented my schedule into concrete writing hours that fit around my regular job. I’m working toward channeling my midlife crisis in a positive, productive way.

Next year, my spouse and I will take a cruise together, on an itinerary of their choice, purely for fun.

Got a personal essay about dealing with a midlife crisis? Get in touch with the editor: akarplus@businessinsider.com.