Courtesy of Nicole Johnson
She got a tree for the kids and even played a “Star Wars” game with Zach. I still cherish the picture of Gram wearing a Stormtrooper helmet. A fabric hat covered her head. Losing her thick black hair had been hard on her. It had been one of her favorite features. I remember being surprised that she let me take such a silly picture of her.
I was jealous of their relationship with my kids at first, but then my perspective changed
Watching my grandparents love my kids in a way that felt foreign to me was interesting. In the beginning, a part of me felt slighted. Why was it so easy for them to feel and show affection for Zach and Cami? They allowed my children to do things I would never have been allowed to do. They laughed and played with them, abandoning rules and overlooking mistakes I would have been called out for. Somehow, they loved them differently.
“They had to be parents to you,” my aunt reminded me. I had never really thought of it that way. For the first time, my grandparents got to be grandparents with my kids. They did not have to raise them like they did with my brother and me. The responsibility of parenting was no longer theirs. Instead, I worried about doctor’s appointments and school registration while they got to enjoy my children.
My feelings of envy for the relationship my grandparents were creating with my kids disappeared and were replaced with gratitude. I was grateful to see them finally claim the roles they missed out on with me. Watching them love my children in ways I know they never allowed themselves to be with my brother and me because they knew they had to create a different relationship with us was healing.
Seeing my grandparents differently allowed me to appreciate what they did for us. They stepped up to raise us when the people meant to couldn’t. It also meant that we could build a new relationship. My grandparents became friends and allies in my role as a mother to my children.
Both of them died in 2013, within three months of each other, at the same hour and minute. When I look back at pictures of them with my kids, I tell them how much my grandparents loved them. It offers a comfort I never expected but am so thankful for.