I depend on a ‘paid village’ to look after my kids. I can’t ask the grandparents for help because they work full-time.

• Jennifer Biggs is a 35-year-old mom of three children, ages 6, 5, and 3, in North Carolina.
• Her parents work full-time and can’t help out with childcare.
• She said her “paid village” is taking care of her children.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Jennifer Biggs. It has been edited for length and clarity.

I know some parents have villages made up of family members, namely grandparents, who can help with full-time childcare. My husband and I have never had that.

My mom lives 30 minutes from us, and my dad is about an hour away. My husband’s parents live a 10-hour drive from us. My parents are still working 9-5 jobs. We’ve never expected or asked them to make a regular habit of being caretakers for our kids while we work. It’s literally impossible for them to do without retiring early.

But even if they were retired, I wouldn’t ask them to be responsible for the full-time caretaking of our children.

The relationship would change

I feel that when grandparents become primary carers in place of after-school clubs or day care, it changes the parent/adult child dynamic. Suddenly, the grandparent becomes a service provider to their adult child.

If my parents were the primary caretakers for my kids, I would want them to abide by the routines and rules I have at home. For instance, I would want my kids to have limited screen time and would want them to prioritize learning and development activities such as learning their letters, numbers, and arts and crafts activities. It would change my relationship with my parents if I expected them to abide by my way of doing things.

It also changes the dynamic a grandparent has with their grandchild. Part of the fun of being a grandparent is the freedom to spoil. But when they become the primary caregiver, they carry a parental responsibility, which takes away part of the joy of being a grandparent.

My parents already cared for me

I also don’t want to ask my parents to put their lives on hold to take care of my children. My mom spent years caring for me, her child. Now that I’m grown, I don’t want her to plan her life around mine. She should feel free to go on last-minute vacations, take classes, or see friends in her free time — not be bound to responsibility for her grandkids.

Our society often relies on the unpaid labor of grandparents — especially women — but it shouldn’t.

Even though their grandparents don’t consistently care for my kids, they still have very strong relationships with them, spoiling them on special day outs or weekend sleepovers.

I depend on a ‘paid village’

Without a family village caring for our kids, I depend on what I call my “paid village.” We have used day care, after-school care, babysitters, and summer camps since having kids.

Sometimes, I get the feeling that people think I’m a bad mom for sending my kids to paid childcare, but my kids love their caretakers and the activities that they do with them. And me continuing to work is what is best for me and my family.

Even though my kids spend their days in childcare, my husband and I raise our children. We instill their base moral values. We raise them — we just don’t do the 24/7 caretaking for them.

Paid childcare means I don’t burn out under the pressure of trying to do it all. It protects my mental health so I can work and parent without depending on the grandparents.